Every night after work I pass this church on my way home, and even though it disturbs me a lot, they have this neon sign that says something like "Remember, today you are loved". It always reminds me of my family and all my friends back home. If you have never been away from your loved ones for a long time, it's hard to describe how shitty you can feel realizing that you miss them a lot. And it's not only being homesick or feeling lonely; it's knowing that everyone who really loves and cares about you is on the other side of the world and there is no chance that you will see them any time soon. The feeling, like you're drifting away from them, loosing the special connection you had. The fear is growing every day, that nothing's gonna be the same when you finally meet them again. And often it makes me wonder if I made the right decision: packing up my things and just going to the unknown across the ocean, leaving everything behind without actually thinking twice.
People keep asking me why I left, and sometimes I do wonder why too. I mean, I had everything I could ever want. To be honest, I had the time of my life just before my adventure. I just got my degree, I had my closest friends right by my side and they were there for me whenever I needed them, my family was just a few hours away from me so if I felt like surprising my mom with some flowers and chocolate I could just hop on a train and do that easily. I had a boy, who loved me unconditionally and accepted me with all the stupid flaws I have... Meaning, everything was just the way it's supposed to be. I felt happy, I think. Leaving all that sucked and at first I thought that I made a huge mistake, at one point I was ready to pack all my stuff once more and just go back. But after some time I got used to the routine here and the big scary city started feeling like home. The funny thing, that is actually not that funny, I don't want to leave anymore. Even though the best people I know are still back home, I feel that Toronto changed me. For good or for worse, but it did. And I know that going back to the life I had is not an option anymore for me. It wouldn't feel right.
I'm here only four months and I already made some huge and stupid mistakes. I used to say that everything happens for a reason and even if I had the chance to turn back time, I never would, because without some foolish decisions I wouldn't be where I am now as a person. But here my mistakes caused that kind of pain, which made me wish that time travel would be possible. So you can just imagine that I am not really happy with some of my faults, because they made me doubt everything I believed in before. I do want to think that in a long run it'll all turn out okay, but at the moment it kinda seems impossible. And four months is not exactly a long period of time, so let's just say that screwing up is my talent. Wish it was singing, though.
Then again, not everything is bad. Obviously, otherwise I would want to go back home. By coming here, without having where to live, where to work and not knowing anyone, I took a huge risk and it's shocking how some things turned out. Putting myself out of my comfort zone more was always in my bucket list and back in Lithuania I would just ignore it and play the life game as simple as possible. In Toronto, I couldn't do that anymore; maybe I could, but I finally took some risks. Some paid of, some didn't but as a result, I changed. I was always this shy and insecure person who was afraid of people as much as I was afraid of myself. While talking to someone I barely know or just met, I used to get super anxious and stressed, even experienced some panic attacks. Communication was a huge problem, and I'm not saying that it's completely gone now, but at least I feel comfortable in my own skin. And the random conversations with people on a street is almost always a highlight of the day, maybe because I attract the weirdest ones (in a good way) in the whole city, and they always have some crazy stories to tell or some awesome advise to give. The most important thing is that I feel happy here. Definitely. At least most of the time, when I'm not screwing everything up, but that's just me and my stupidity.
I do know that I am loved. Everyday. And I do hope that they know how much I love them back. Even if there's a million miles between us, every time I see that stupid neon sign by the church, it is you I think of.
Playing: M83 - I Need You
