letting go

How do you know that it is time to let go of the past and just move forward? When the pain and the memories of the past become too much to handle and they start affecting your present. Though even when you wake up one day and realize that's it, I need to move on, it's not going to be easy, but at least it's a step forward. In a way, it is similar to all the addictions, to the unhealthy life style, because holding onto the empty dreams may eventually destroy you. The first step of getting better is realizing that you actually have a problem, which is never easy. You might try thinking positively, thinking that the hope should never die, but there is a point when hoping and dreaming are just the worst decisions for you. And it may be hard to face the reality, but in order for you to get your life back together you have to sacrifice that little piece of sunshine living within you. Yes. It is hard. And I don't exactly know how to do that now. But I am taking a first baby step and at least I realize that if I ever want to get better, I have to let go of some of my dreams. Finally realizing that it will never happen usually strikes unexpectedly. And it comes with a huge amount of pain, only because you were trying to build this perfect little life inside your head and hoping that somehow and eventually it will all work out. Though deep inside you can just feel that it will never happen. That you are expecting way too much and that reality doesn't really work like that. 

For the last couple of months I was living in my own dream bubble. And it was fun to be the optimistic one for a change. Hoping for all the problems to go away; that everything will work out, dreaming that I will finally have my happy ending just because I felt like I really deserved it this time. And maybe I did. But yet again, life works in mysterious ways. I know that when the pain will fade I will realize how silly and unnecessary it was for me to torture myself like this. Even now it still hurts like hell, I am trying to let go. Trying to move forward even though I don't have a clue how should I start. But I guess I already did, by admitting to myself that I have this problem. By realizing that I have to give up. 

Everyone keeps saying that time is the best pain healer. And usually it is true. Some time has to pass if we want for problems to fade away. It won't be completely gone, but then it will definitely be easier to cope with them, to work on ourselves and it will be much easier to create new dreams and new hopes, hopefully, the more healthy ones. The ones, which are not creating more pain and confusion, which are not bringing more chaos to your life. But the ones which let you move forward, which are encouraging you to change, which are inspiring and bright. 

Saying goodbye is always hard. It doesn't really matter if you're saying that to a friend, to a loved one, to a place, a job or to a dream. It is always hard. And there is no magical secret of how to make it better. You just somehow have to find enough strength within yourself and take all the pain in. And while time is passing by, you will learn how to deal with those painful memories of those poisonous dreams you once had, and you will be able to move on. Eventually. It will all get better.

Playing: Wyclef Jean - Divine Sorrow

when life is not like a movie

That feeling when you are falling in love with the wrong person. When your heart and your mind are just not co-operating. It’s just that deep down inside you know that this feeling is just not right but there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it. Even when you’re trying to isolate yourself from that particular person just because you realize that it would be a smart step for you, just to protect yourself from getting hurt, you can’t. You end up being close to him again. As if you can’t live being apart. Even if you only can have him as a friend, it’s so much better than nothing. You finally feel that you found something special, that one feeling you’ve been looking for since as far as you can remember, but it’s just not going to work out, because world is too complicated and nothing really works out for you, ever. 

That feeling when you are falling in love. When you know that it is too late to change anything. No matter what you do, it’s too late. The feeling is too strong and despite all the rational thinking, your heart is too stuborn to listen. It feels what it wants to feel. And sometimes it makes you act stupid. But even when everything is going down the hill, in a way, you still feel happy, because being in love, in a way warms you from the inside.

That feeling when you are falling in love. When all you want to do is spend every possible second with that person. When something stupid happens all you want to do is run to him and tell him that in every possible detail. When you are feeling sad, all you need is a simple touch from that exact person to make everything better. When you see him sad, all you can think is how to make him feel better. Sadly, when you are falling in love, you forget yourself and you start putting him ahead of yourself, because he is more important from now on. 

That feeling when you are falling in love. It’s so scary to think, that it’s going to last. Because it means that the pain will last too. Just because he is the wrong person for you. When you are trying to be the best friend you can be, not because you have to or you feel obligated to be, but because it feels so natural to be with him, even as just friends. And some days are not that bad. But sometimes it hurts more than you can handle. And then your mind is all

confused because it doesn’t understand what do you want. Though you have no idea what do you want yourself.

That feeling when you are falling in love. In books and movies it’s always shown as one of the best feelings. But it’s absolutely different when the person is not right. When no matter what you’re going to do, the ending will not be a happy one. No matter how things will end up, all you’re gonna be left is pain.  Either you will loose a friend eventually, because the pain and the confusion will get too much or you will have a friend, but every time you will look in his eyes, you’ll be wondering how different things could have been between you two. 

That feeling when you are falling in love. No happy ending. No actual love. That’s how it feels. 

Playing: Birdy - Words As Weapons

sad little thoughts

Usually I get really weird around my birthday and I really don't know why. But around that time of the year I get more mood swings and mostly I'm just not in a good mood, though I guess, getting older and realizing that you didn't achieve what you wanted in the first place can be a downer sometimes. And everyone who knows me, I mean, really knows me, can say, that I over think most of the stuff happening around me, which is not always that healthy. Most of the time I put a little bit too much drama in my life, and even I don't enjoy it myself, it just happens naturally to me.

Right now, I feel like my head is a complete mess. Feeling like I'm just falling and panic is taking over my body and there is nothing I can do. But can you really blame me? Time is running out and I still have no idea whats gonna happen with my life next and maybe the unknown is just too scary at this point. I just feel like I need some time off my life, where I can just be alone with my thoughts, no work, no stress, no people, who can influence my feelings and maybe then I'd be able to realize what I really need and want from everyone around me. 

One of the saddest things though, is when you start trusting someone, who is so not worth it. I always had problems with opening up to someone, and it usually takes me a lot of time to trust others. When I came to Canada, I had to bend my ways a bit, and I won't lie, I did make some great friends in progress. But also, not all experiences were for the best. One of the shittiest feelings ever is when you open up to someone, and at the end, that person just uses you and it is so hard to admit that to yourself, even though other people around notice and point out that too. Because if I consider someone a friend, I'll always be there for him or her, no matter what and maybe it's just me, putting people I care about in front of myself all the

time, but it just feels a right thing to do. And how stupid I am, when I'm expecting the same treatment from the others? Then all I am left is huge disappointment, when they just don't give a shit about you, even when they are trying to convince you differently. I know that this is the world and one of the best part of it is the diversity, but it hurts like hell when a person you truly cared about dissapoints you so much, that you can't even stay mad at them. You just feel.. empty. 

Hopefully, all the bad experience will make me stronger as a person in a long run, that's what usually happens, right? We learn from our mistakes the hard way and when we get over the pain, we realize an important lesson. And if we are lucky enough, we won't repeat the same mistake again just because we got burned so badly in the past. Advice for everyone, be careful and don't let everyone in, because trust me, not everyone deserves it. Choose carefully, and luckily, you will end up with the best friends by your side.

Playing: Vi To Er Smeltet Sammen - Stoffer & Maskinen

looking back

2014 was spectacular year. Looking back, so much happened and it's hard to imagine that a year can pass so quickly. It seems like it was just a week ago when I celebrated New Years in Lithuania with a handful of my friends, drinking champagne and playing 21. And what did I do this New Years Eve? I was working a night shift, serving coffee to all the drunks in the downtown Toronto. Quite a big change, I'd say.

I won't create a New Years resolution this year, only because every time I do, it all goes to hell anyways, so why waste time? I do have some ideas of what I'd like to do, to improve my life and myself, but I'm just gonna keep to myself; obviously putting it
down on paper has no affect on me. And at the end of the year, reading your old resolutions and realizing that you did nothing, you wanted, well, it's kinda a big bummer. So I'm gonna save myself from that this year. Instead, I want to look back at all the little great (or not so great) moments I had and just be happy for a moment of what life brought me.

Dying my hair ombre style. It might sound kinda stupid, but I like that style so much and even though it's not the best decision for my hair health, but it looks awesome on me and I don't know if I ever get bored of it. Which is strange, because usually I get bored of my hair looking the same pretty fast. Guess what I needed was just to find something that I really loved.

I do remember one afternoon that I spent with my friend. We were just wondering around the city and just spending time together when suddenly a rainstorm came out of nowhere. We were all wet, running around the old-town trying to find a shelter, cause none of us had an umbrella, then we went to a little coffee place; while drinking sweet coffee and talking about.. nothing in particular actually, I realized that he is really important person in my life. Of course, after that I kinda got sick, but the feeling I get every time remembering this, really makes me feel.. warm inside, so it was all worth it.

From ex to.. woah! I never expected that I could be friends with my ex. But it turns out, that we are actually even better as friends than we were as couple. I honestly can say that he is like a brother to me. Sometimes I love him. Sometimes I hate him and I wish I could strangle him. But without him my life wouldn't be the same. He knows me best and he saw me not only at my best but at my worst too. It's just funny how life turns out sometimes, but this one; even if it was a huge surprise, it's totally for the best.

22. It was one of the most memorable birthdays I ever had. Closest friends around me, having beers inside, because it was still cold in the middle of the spring, slapping a friend at midnight, because it was my gift from him.. It's hard for me to explain why this birthday means so much to me, but when I look at the pictures, I look so happy and sometimes I do wish I could go back to that day and experience everything just one more time.

Got my phone stolen. This is one of the worst memories from 2014. I still have trouble walking alone in the street while talking on the phone. Just remembering how sudden and frightening the experience was.. I'm still jumpy every-time someone runs pass me, probably still expecting something bad to happen again. 

One of the best friendships ever. Let's get one thing straight. Since childhood, I  always had more boy-friends that girl-friends. I don't know why, but it seems that I get along better with guys than girls. I always had my one best friend by my side and that was absolutely enough for me. But when I moved away to study, it got a bit lonely, even though I still had a lot of friends who were guys. But a girl sometimes just need another girl for all those silly conversations and random gossip. Then I met one girl. And it wasn't really sudden, no. But after some time and some random conversations, she became one of the most loved persons ever. I love her so much, and it is hard to describe how happy I am that I met her. All the shopping's we had, all the conversations drinking lattes while sitting in the patios, all the laughing.. I'm just super happy that she exists in my life.

Graduation. After three years of studying I finally did it. I finished college. Having in mind that I was ready to quit everything at one point, I'm happy that I sucked it up and finished it. And the grades were not too bad also! Graduation night is the best memory of 2014. No doubt. No explanation needed.

June 23rd. Shortest night of the year. And I don't think I'll ever forget it. Drinking tea on top of the mountain, where you could see the whole city. Driving around with the people I love most. Long talks about nothing and everything, seeing the sunrise and just living in the moment. It was one of those nights where I got to know my friends even more and it was just a magical night.

Saying goodbye and moving to Canada. I talked about this so much now, that I feel like everything is said. It was one of the toughest and saddest things to do. But it had to be done. Lots of tears on the last night in Lithuania. Lots of tears later on too. But Canada turned out to be not so bad, even without my friends by my side.

Getting a job at Tim Hortons. I don't even know if this was a good or a bad thing of 2014. Fact, I needed a job as soon as possible. Fact, it's not the best job in the universe. Fact, I met the most amazing people there, and those people made it worth coming to work everyday. I do believe that some friendships I made at this workplace, will last even after I leave Canada for good. 

Visiting Niagara falls. I always thought that I'll only see this place in movies and pictures. I mean, I'm from Lithuania and this part of the world is so far away and you just don't dare to dream about seeing it in real life. But now I am at the right  side of the world, and hopefully I'll visit more places, that I never thought I'll have the ability to do it. Though to my disappointment, it wasn't as spectacular as I expected. But hey, I still was there, right? That's what matters.

Having a party at a museum. This was pretty awesome experience. Drinking wine along side Panda's and dinosaurs, dancing with friends and just basically having the best time of my life. 

Getting my heart broken. Well, of course I'm exaggerating, but I did had a huge crush and everything went down pretty quick. Deep in my hear I knew that this was going to happen, cause it seemed to be too good to be true anyways. But I'm a hopeless romantic and a dreamer, so I hoped for the best, when the worst was already happening.

Having in mind that my memory is crappy, I probably forgot a lot of awesome stuff that happened in 2014. But all in all, this was one of the best years in my life so far. A lot of good and bad things happened and I'm happy that I have a lot of stories to tell, just because this year I went out of my comfort zone and actually did things I never thought I would. Living sucks most of the time. But you have to try and try, if you want something extraordinary to happen. I did and the outcome really surprised me. And I can't wait to see what 2015 has to offer me. 

Playing : Simone White - Rain