Usually I get really weird around my birthday and I really don't know why. But around that time of the year I get more mood swings and mostly I'm just not in a good mood, though I guess, getting older and realizing that you didn't achieve what you wanted in the first place can be a downer sometimes. And everyone who knows me, I mean, really knows me, can say, that I over think most of the stuff happening around me, which is not always that healthy. Most of the time I put a little bit too much drama in my life, and even I don't enjoy it myself, it just happens naturally to me.
Right now, I feel like my head is a complete mess. Feeling like I'm just falling and panic is taking over my body and there is nothing I can do. But can you really blame me? Time is running out and I still have no idea whats gonna happen with my life next and maybe the unknown is just too scary at this point. I just feel like I need some time off my life, where I can just be alone with my thoughts, no work, no stress, no people, who can influence my feelings and maybe then I'd be able to realize what I really need and want from everyone around me.
One of the saddest things though, is when you start trusting someone, who is so not worth it. I always had problems with opening up to someone, and it usually takes me a lot of time to trust others. When I came to Canada, I had to bend my ways a bit, and I won't lie, I did make some great friends in progress. But also, not all experiences were for the best. One of the shittiest feelings ever is when you open up to someone, and at the end, that person just uses you and it is so hard to admit that to yourself, even though other people around notice and point out that too. Because if I consider someone a friend, I'll always be there for him or her, no matter what and maybe it's just me, putting people I care about in front of myself all the
time, but it just feels a right thing to do. And how stupid I am, when I'm expecting the same treatment from the others? Then all I am left is huge disappointment, when they just don't give a shit about you, even when they are trying to convince you differently. I know that this is the world and one of the best part of it is the diversity, but it hurts like hell when a person you truly cared about dissapoints you so much, that you can't even stay mad at them. You just feel.. empty.
Hopefully, all the bad experience will make me stronger as a person in a long run, that's what usually happens, right? We learn from our mistakes the hard way and when we get over the pain, we realize an important lesson. And if we are lucky enough, we won't repeat the same mistake again just because we got burned so badly in the past. Advice for everyone, be careful and don't let everyone in, because trust me, not everyone deserves it. Choose carefully, and luckily, you will end up with the best friends by your side.
Playing: Vi To Er Smeltet Sammen - Stoffer & Maskinen
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