when life is not like a movie

That feeling when you are falling in love with the wrong person. When your heart and your mind are just not co-operating. It’s just that deep down inside you know that this feeling is just not right but there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it. Even when you’re trying to isolate yourself from that particular person just because you realize that it would be a smart step for you, just to protect yourself from getting hurt, you can’t. You end up being close to him again. As if you can’t live being apart. Even if you only can have him as a friend, it’s so much better than nothing. You finally feel that you found something special, that one feeling you’ve been looking for since as far as you can remember, but it’s just not going to work out, because world is too complicated and nothing really works out for you, ever. 

That feeling when you are falling in love. When you know that it is too late to change anything. No matter what you do, it’s too late. The feeling is too strong and despite all the rational thinking, your heart is too stuborn to listen. It feels what it wants to feel. And sometimes it makes you act stupid. But even when everything is going down the hill, in a way, you still feel happy, because being in love, in a way warms you from the inside.

That feeling when you are falling in love. When all you want to do is spend every possible second with that person. When something stupid happens all you want to do is run to him and tell him that in every possible detail. When you are feeling sad, all you need is a simple touch from that exact person to make everything better. When you see him sad, all you can think is how to make him feel better. Sadly, when you are falling in love, you forget yourself and you start putting him ahead of yourself, because he is more important from now on. 

That feeling when you are falling in love. It’s so scary to think, that it’s going to last. Because it means that the pain will last too. Just because he is the wrong person for you. When you are trying to be the best friend you can be, not because you have to or you feel obligated to be, but because it feels so natural to be with him, even as just friends. And some days are not that bad. But sometimes it hurts more than you can handle. And then your mind is all

confused because it doesn’t understand what do you want. Though you have no idea what do you want yourself.

That feeling when you are falling in love. In books and movies it’s always shown as one of the best feelings. But it’s absolutely different when the person is not right. When no matter what you’re going to do, the ending will not be a happy one. No matter how things will end up, all you’re gonna be left is pain.  Either you will loose a friend eventually, because the pain and the confusion will get too much or you will have a friend, but every time you will look in his eyes, you’ll be wondering how different things could have been between you two. 

That feeling when you are falling in love. No happy ending. No actual love. That’s how it feels. 

Playing: Birdy - Words As Weapons

sad little thoughts

Usually I get really weird around my birthday and I really don't know why. But around that time of the year I get more mood swings and mostly I'm just not in a good mood, though I guess, getting older and realizing that you didn't achieve what you wanted in the first place can be a downer sometimes. And everyone who knows me, I mean, really knows me, can say, that I over think most of the stuff happening around me, which is not always that healthy. Most of the time I put a little bit too much drama in my life, and even I don't enjoy it myself, it just happens naturally to me.

Right now, I feel like my head is a complete mess. Feeling like I'm just falling and panic is taking over my body and there is nothing I can do. But can you really blame me? Time is running out and I still have no idea whats gonna happen with my life next and maybe the unknown is just too scary at this point. I just feel like I need some time off my life, where I can just be alone with my thoughts, no work, no stress, no people, who can influence my feelings and maybe then I'd be able to realize what I really need and want from everyone around me. 

One of the saddest things though, is when you start trusting someone, who is so not worth it. I always had problems with opening up to someone, and it usually takes me a lot of time to trust others. When I came to Canada, I had to bend my ways a bit, and I won't lie, I did make some great friends in progress. But also, not all experiences were for the best. One of the shittiest feelings ever is when you open up to someone, and at the end, that person just uses you and it is so hard to admit that to yourself, even though other people around notice and point out that too. Because if I consider someone a friend, I'll always be there for him or her, no matter what and maybe it's just me, putting people I care about in front of myself all the

time, but it just feels a right thing to do. And how stupid I am, when I'm expecting the same treatment from the others? Then all I am left is huge disappointment, when they just don't give a shit about you, even when they are trying to convince you differently. I know that this is the world and one of the best part of it is the diversity, but it hurts like hell when a person you truly cared about dissapoints you so much, that you can't even stay mad at them. You just feel.. empty. 

Hopefully, all the bad experience will make me stronger as a person in a long run, that's what usually happens, right? We learn from our mistakes the hard way and when we get over the pain, we realize an important lesson. And if we are lucky enough, we won't repeat the same mistake again just because we got burned so badly in the past. Advice for everyone, be careful and don't let everyone in, because trust me, not everyone deserves it. Choose carefully, and luckily, you will end up with the best friends by your side.

Playing: Vi To Er Smeltet Sammen - Stoffer & Maskinen